This past weekend, my friend Emma went on a date. She came home gushing, eager to tell me all about how handsome and funny the guy had been, how great the restaurant was, and how the guy had even asked her for a second date. Just when I started to think she might actually elope with the man, she told me there was just one problem. “He talked about sex,” she said.
It’s a longstanding rule that you should not have sex on the first date, but is there a rule for talking about sex on the first date? I don’t mean talking about having sex with your date on the first date. I mean talking about sex in a more general way. Is sex important to you? How many partners have you had? What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had? These are some questions that arise as a relationship progresses. But at the outset of a potential relationship, is it emotionally slutty to talk about sex on the first date?
It is my belief that first dates are a chance to make first impressions, and a good first impression shouldn’t involve sex. So it’s not okay to talk about sex on the first date – though I’ll admit, pretty much anything goes when it comes to Tinder dating. Talking about sex on the first date is an indication that we either don’t have anything else to talk about or that that is all that is on your mind, in which case, we have a problem. But for some, talking about sex is acceptable, even necessary, to do on the first date.
Sex is a deal-breaker for many, and in this fast-paced dating world, people often want to cut to the chase. Talking about sex on the first date is a way to get to know something about how the other person views intimacy. If you don’t find this out on the first date, you inevitably will, so why not put all your cards on the bed from the start?
If you decide that bringing up the act on the first date is the way to go, keep in mind you might be revealing a side of yourself the other person does not like. In Emma’s case, the guy told her he once broke up with a girl because the sex wasn’t up to his standards, and that was all Emma needed to hear before she declined his offer for a second date.
But what if Emma’s date had said something else? What if he had said that sex was important to a relationship, but was not the be-all, end-all? Would hearing what she wanted to hear make Emma alright with talking about sex on the first date?
That’s part of the risk of revealing too much too soon. You might end up hearing what you want to hear, and that could make you even more attracted to the person. But you might hear something that really turns you off, in which case, sex will never be an option.
Sex should be the cherry on top of the sundae. It shouldn’t be the most important thing in a relationship, and definitely should not be a topic of conversation when you’re just getting to know someone. Getting to know someone should involve just that, without the added pressure of sexual performance or experience. The first couple dates are meant for you to figure out what, if anything, this person could add to your life. Sex should be left out of that.
Sexual attraction might draw two people together, but poor conversational performance can just as easily drive them apart. And besides, a little anticipation can go a long way.